No matter what end of the political spectrum you’re at there’s a bogeyman for you. If you’re a conservative, you see the Soviet orangutans and the Marxist brainwashers and the disinformed dupes, who have all forsaken the righteousness of religion.
If you’re a liberal, there are the big corporations, and the racist reactionaries, and the Rockefellerian robber-barons, who have been slowly turning the world into a private estate of their very own.
Yes, if you’re an American citizen, you have an inalienable right to point your finger at anyone and everyone and claim it is because of them that the world is in such a mess. They gave Russia The Bomb. They demand more and more nuclear weapons so there can be The War. They oppose gun control and abortion and disarmament talks. They pollute the air and send rain of all colors and acidities down on unsuspecting citizens. And they propagandize on network television, with their leftward-slanting newscasts followed by their capitalistic brainwashing commercials.
What many people do not realize is that they are real. They are a multi-billion-dollar consulting firm based in Topeka, Kansas that sells ideas for scapegoats, bogeymen, and fears galore to anyone who’ll buy.
Yes, we even approached one of them and he consented to an interview. So now, meet Gordon Blake, the man from T.H.E.M.
Blake’s office, in the sub-basement of T.H.E.M.‘s unimposing headquarters in downtown Topeka, is more luxurious than one might expect. He has a secretary who can type (on a good day), and a private washroom complete with a Greek-style bath and a barrel stocked with trout, attended by a guard who wields an Uzi submachine gun.
The wet bar in Blake’s office is stocked with some of the world’s most fascinating concoctions, many of which have been banned as carcinogens, thus driving prices way down. Blake grins impishly as the implications sink in.
After showing off his status symbols, Blake takes his place behind his massive mahogany desk and answers my first question.
“T.H.E.M. started back in 1905 with a juicy contract from the Women’s Christian Temperance Union. Our founder, Merc Thomas, was no teetotaler himself, but he knew a good thing when he saw it. He’d developed a talent for telling horror stories to his kids, so he thought he’d try it out on adults. By the time Prohibition was ratified, he’d made twenty million dollars.”
And then what did he do?
“He immediately started fighting Prohibition by making people think they had bootleggers in their closets. Al Capone would still be selling used furniture if not for Merc.”
What do the letters T.H.E.M. stand for, anyway?
“Team Headquarters for Enemy Manufacturing. There’s a saying that if enemies didn’t exist, people would invent them. Merc always liked that; it was free advertising.”
Business must be booming now, right?
“Oh, yeah. We got the El Salvador government, which is paying us to invent the Marxist guerrillas on a contract basis. Though we nearly lost the deal when we told Duarte to cut off a finger or two for good measure. Then there’s Nicaragua, they’re paying us through the nose to publicize the Contras and the CIA. The CIA and the KGB have always been big sellers, you know.”
Do you handle Idi Amin and Col. Khadafy?
“Amin we did. Khadafy’s in business for himself, and our policy is to stay away from him because he used to work in our Cairo office. Not a fun guy.”
What’s your biggest account these days?
“Today? It’d be hard to say. We were negotiating for a good one until the FBI came out and said they had no evidence that the USSR was guiding the nuclear freeze movement. I wish those gumshoes would mind their own business.”
Surely you must be involved in something. The world’s not quiet. What about Afghanistan, or Beirut? Or maybe Iran?
“We had nothing to do with Iran, and we are not involved with them in any way. You don’t know how much happens before you can move on it.”
I guess I’m not surprised you disclaim Iran…
“It’s true. They came to us, sure, but when we heard what they had in mind, we told them to kiss the south end of a northbound camel. Do you know what it costs to feed 60 people for eighteen months?”
The hostages weren’t held captive that long.
“If you ask me, it’s because they couldn’t hack the food bill.”
Back to my original question: what’s one of your biggest current accounts?
“Well, if you’re going to pin me down I guess I’d have to say it’s the Second Coming.”
Come again?
“Yep. Those TV preachers are paying us a percentage of their mail-in contributions for staging world events that corroborate the Book of Revelation.”
Whew.
“We’re also haggling with Britain and Argentina over another very lucrative propaganda account. We may have to set up a separate division just for those accounts. With the Cold War starting up again, we could create 500 new jobs in a minute.”
Things must be really looking up.
“Well, we’ve missed out on a lot of good opportunities, too. Take Three Mile Island. The networks beat us to it on that one. And then there’s radioactivity. If we’d been on the ball, we could be handling the whole franchise, from nuclear waste to radiation sickness. And then we had to refuse one client because he didn’t have any money and it wouldn’t have generated any revenue on its own. He used to work in the Pentagon, and he had evidence that the Soviets have been working on a particle-beam weapon for thirty years already.
“We would have taken it, but it just wouldn’t have turned us a profit. I understand he’s gone into business for himself, though.”
What about the future? Any real blockbusters on the drawing board?
Only the biggest scare-business coup of the century. We’re just waiting for a co-investor. The biggest bidders keep upping the ante so we’re nowhere near closing the bidding yet. But when we do finally choose a partner, you should see it before long. Don’t blink though or you might miss it.”
Sounds… interesting.
“Like you said, it’s a real blockbuster. We’ve also got an old project on the back burner that we think it’s time to start working on again. We’re going to revive the Yellow Peril with Red China.”
But who’ll believe that these days?
“That’s what makes it so beautiful. You know that Red China exists, right? Ri-i-ight?”
You mean—?
“Back in the 1930s we had a contract with Chiang Kai-shek so he could get more foreign aid from Washington. Only he didn’t read the fine print. You should have seen his face when we exercised our option and relocated him offshore.”
I can imagine.
“Say, now can I ask you a question?”
Um… sure.
“How much are we getting paid for inventing ourselves for this interview?”
Editor’s Note: Nothing.
