Judge: “Prosecutor, please begin.”

Prosecutor: “Your Honor, the defendant, Stephen Charles Harper, stands accu—”

Defense: “Objection. As counsel for the prosecution knows full well, my client had his name changed legally three years ago. He is no longer Stephen Charles Harper, and must be addressed and referred to by his legal name, ‘Doctor Mayhem.’”

Judge: “Sustained. Please continue.”

Prosecutor: “Yes, Your Honor. The defendant, Doctor Mayhem, stands accused of two million, one hundred thirty-seven thousand, nine hundred and twelve counts of first degree murder; fourteen million, six hundred fifteen thousand and four counts of negligent homicide; forty-seven million, eight hundred sixty-three thousand, one hundred seventy-seven counts of forcible rape; and two counts of animal cruelty. The evidence against him consists of video captured from his own live video feed of the crimes which he sent to every TV, computer and wireless telephone on earth as he committed them. As a result he was seen committing each and every one of the crimes with which he is charged, by—literally—every single living man, woman and child left on earth.”

Judge: “Thank you, Prosecutor. Counsel for the defense?”

Defense: “Your Honor, my client pleads ‘not guilty.’”

Prosecutor: (sputters) “Not guilty!? Didn’t you just hear me? The evidence—”

Defense: “The nature of the evidence means that there is not one single living man, woman or child left on earth who is qualified to serve on a jury.”

Prosecutor:

Judge:

Defense:

Prosecutor: “Move to dismiss.”